Tech + Lifestyle

games, gear, and googleplexes (joke)

Like a Boy Scout, Man. Like a Boy Scout.

Plan (T+L)

Plans. Plans are good.

I’d like to think of myself as a decent gamer. I’m not too hardcore – I actually get outside from time to time, for starters. That being said… I dabble. A twenty-four hour gaming session now and again, the occasional Mountain Dew IV drip; nothing too serious, you know?

That’s why all these recent Team Fortress 2 announcements have me shaking in my boots. The Spy? Really? Really! I feel like I’m at least decently proficient at most of the classes in TF2, but the Spy? For all the sneaking and skulking around I do in other games, for all the times I choose to be a rogue, or thief, or solar-powered ninja, I’ve never been able to wrap my head around the Spy. The backstab? Haven’t mastered it. Disguising myself and making it to the other team’s intel without being detected? Can’t do it without half the people on the other team taking one of those just-in-case shots at my head, even when I’m invisible. No, scratch that. Especially when I’m invisible.

That’s why the Spy freaks me out, man. I can’t defend against him. How can I when I’ve got no idea what a typical Spy would do in any given situation? One time the same Spy killed me 39 times in a row. I didn’t touch my computer for a week after that. My therapist said that’s an understandable emotional response to emotional trauma. Then I told her that I’ve started to hit my friends whenever I see them, just in case it’s a spy in disguise. She referred me to a specialist.

That’s how I ended up here. In China, I mean, not on this blog. I’m always on this blog. Always. Except for the time I’m not. But most of the time, I’m on this blog. If not, then I’m thinking of things to write on the blog. Maintaining a mediocre blog is a full-time job, man. You gotta have what it takes. I’ve got it, and believe me, you don’t. But I digress.

I’ve got a MacBook that can’t natively run TF2 without throwing a fit and an internet connection that would take six and a half weeks to download the game client. Plus, they didn’t give me any money, so I can’t leave until they come back for me. Zhende. That means truth in Chinese, or maybe camel. Chinese is a tricky language. I hope the Spy can’t speak Chinese, because if he can, I’m screwed.

Anyway, the Ambassador? As if the Spy’s revolver didn’t kill me enough times already with crits. Might as well just call the Ambassador the BFG. And two new ways to be invisible? Just put me in a body bag now, man. I gotta stay positive, though; doctor’s orders. That’s why I’m coming up with a plan. Can’t waste any time, cuz I guarantee the Spy isn’t wasting his time. That man is ruthless.

Check it out: I’m never leaving the lobby. I’m going to stay inside and take potshots from the doorway. No, it’s not hiding; it’s strategic placement. I won’t be getting as many kills that way, but I can’t get stabbed in the back if the Spy can’t see my back, right? Yeah, came up with that all by myself.

It won’t be enough, though. What if the lobby door opens right as the Spy changes weapons to that demonic piece of steel he calls a gun? The Ambassador requires something special, something better than staying in the lobby. That’s why I’ve got a backup plan for my main plan. I’m like a boy scout, man – always prepared.

Want to know what my defense is against the Ambassador? I’ve lured a couple of Chinese gold farmers away from WoW with the promise of $1.50 per day and all the noodles they can eat. They’re going to play medics every time I’m in-game and heal me (and only me; don’t try to steal my medics). Even that might not be enough. Don’t worry, though; I’ve prepared for the possibility that both of them die, or get malaria, or something. I’ve got a plan to backup my plan that backs up my plan.

You can't buy my freedom. It's not for sale.

You can't buy my freedom. It's not for sale.

Worst case scenario? I buy my own server and then implement a permanent ban on spies. It’ll be expensive, but hey, you can’t put a price on freedom, right?

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May 23, 2009 - Posted by | Gaming, Humor, PC gaming | , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. […] jarate is real, watched the Meet the Spy video, and saw achievements announced for both classes. I’ve been making plans for how to counter-act the Spy’s new abilities when I return to the US; until then, I’ll have to be satisfied with this. It’s an 8-bit […]

    Pingback by Weekly Shenanigans #2 « Tech + Lifestyle: Enhance Your World | May 24, 2009 | Reply


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